"...hands down, I'm too proud for love..."

drake "lil bit"

i hope they never find out...

what they already know, know, know

as soon as its official...

we'll have to let it go, go, go

so we don't confirm the fling,

keep avoiding all the questions.

u could teach me many things,

im just scared to learn a lesson.

The Random Situation

...getting ready to go out…texting back and forth…know it’s a big night because of the out-of-towners…conversation goes a little something like;

”We should meet up if you want” (hoping for a “ya, that’d be great”)

Instead

”Not really the one making plans”, he says (sure you’re not)

“OK well hope you boys have fun!” (Hope you don’t meet some chick and fall in love)

….later that night….

“Well funny to run into you here.” (Whoa, is she stalking me?)

“Same goes for you.” (Whoa, this is random! Hope he doesn’t think I’m stalking him!)

Evening goes well. We have a blast as usual. Chemistry is stronger than ever. He makes his calming comments and gives just the right compliments about the things that he knows matter to me. We dance like we’re the only ones there. Me in his arms, his hands in mine, my fingers wrapped in his. It’s what I’ve been yearning for, for months. It feels so right. This touch; his touch it’s what calms by body. He feels it too. He’s relaxed. He’s happy. He’s knows he doesn’t have to wear the mask or put on a show. He can just BE. I can’t think straight. I just want to stay like this. He kisses my neck and I flash back at what we had. I just wanna freeze this moment.

Then all too soon it ends. We’re saying goodbye. He hugs me. He won’t let go. He asks me to stay. Reluctantly, I say I have to go. But all I wanna do it stay. He pulls me back and gives me a pleading look. Asks again for me to stay. I simply place my hand on his head. A gesture to say I’m Sorry. He blows me a kiss as I turn to leave. I walk away. I don’t turn back. I can’t turn back. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be or feel. My heart isn’t supposed to be breaking.

Once I’m away reality sets in. Knowing we have such a great time together, why didn’t he invite me? We’re all friends and we all use to hang out so much but now he can’t even invite me out …it’s not that hard, is it?

The After The Fact Situation

why do you care now? after all this time, after all the feelings I showed you, after all the hints I gave you, after all the pride I set aside, after all the time I spent with you, after I tried, after I expressed my feelings to you in that letter, after everything....why is it always after the fact?

this is probably what he thinks. He liked me. He showed it. I didn't really care...I wanted his friendship more than anything. And now its too late. It took me 3 years to figure it out....he is what we girls are always looking for...sweet, caring, cute and driven. something clicked for me but its too late. he's not into it and I dont think I can ever admit the feelings I have for him now...is it really that hard?

The Concert Situation

Recently one of my favorite artists came into town for a concert. Despite the fact that I am absolutely obsessed with this artist’s music, not many of my friends are into him…except for one. This one particular person, we’ll call him Mr. Swag, shares my passion of real soulful music. Now anyone who knows me knows how much I was looking forward to going. The countdowns were a constant reminder to all in my circle of what was to come. Even Mr. Swag would frequently get text message counting down the days. Though his responses never seemed quite as enthusiastic as mine. Oh did I mention the ticket was a gift to him?

My history with Mr. Swag is long and complicated of which I will spare you the details. The important thing to note is that 2 months prior to the concert, Mr. Swag and I got very “friendly” again after 5 months of very little communication. Our first round together ended abruptly when Mr. Swag all of a sudden decided we were better off as friends. His reason/excuse? He didn’t want to not ruin the dynamics between our tight circle of friends. But now he seemed to be back (even if it was only via the phone) and I was feeling hopeful again…I was having fun!

The concert came and went and so did Mr. Swag…AGAIN!!! Even though, we discussed building a real friendship without our extra circular activities, I rarely hear from him now. He was as sweet as can be at the concert and he made my time so enjoyable but now I’m heartbroken. He seems scared to be friends; this coming from the man who believes that the opposite sex can be ‘just friends’. This coming from the one who didn’t want to ruin the dynamic.

So I ask, is making a little effort to be friends with someone you share history with too much? …It’s not that hard, is it?

The Coffee Situation

where to meet, where to go.... on a first date? coffee is always the easy way out... right? have a cup of coffee/tea for a short period of time (no commitment needed). Oh and don't worry, you don't need to give up your amazing weekend for a 'maybe'. yup thats what I did (yup I suggested it) but wouldn't you after 100 first dates?...the uncomfortable silences at the table....what should I order....making sure not to order anything that may get stuck in your teeth..."so tell me about yourself "...would it make me look like a fatty if I get dessert....and lastly, should I 'fake reach' for my wallet when the bill comes? Ladies, there's a reason why there is a Coffee Bean on every corner!

ok, so we met up. nice enough to drive to my neck of the woods (he didn't offer a ride) and nice enough to pay for my $2 coffee. so the conversation starts..."so how was your weekend" THANK GOD the question wasn't "so tell me about yourself"....whatever happened to just connecting instead of investigating - no need to interrogate on a first date...or was it a date? it was short, but very sweet. no awkwardness (expect of course when I spilled my coffee...TWICE) and the conversation flowed as effortlessly as the texting back and forth has been.

so what's the problem? here's the situation with mr. coffee - he doesn't pick up the phone. sorry, but texting just doesn't do it for me I guess...and we all know that the lack of courage to engage in an actual conversation leads to no connection...literally....it's not that hard, is it?